Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Crossing Bridges or; "I Just Have A Lot Of Feelings"

Look, here's the thing:

Remember that chick from Mean Girls – you know the one – who speaks at the girls’ workshop of sunshine and rainbows, and when Damien yells “she doesn’t even go here!” tearily responds, “I just have a lot of feelings”? That one who seemed so endearingly pathetic, who we all laughed at because she was just kind of awkwardly sad? The one that my friends and I have been mocking for years, because HELLO THAT LINE IS PURE GOLD?

Well, here’s a “sad” truth: we are all that girl.

Or boy, depending on your chromosomal disposition. But the difference between us and that freak is that we’ve gotten really good at hiding it -- and not least of all from ourselves. We spend so much time fixating on the problems of others -- the friends', the boyfriends', the tv's -- that it becomes quite easy to miss what is going on at a much closer distance; within our own selves.

So what happens when we stop fixating outward and listen to what our feelings are trying to say? What happens when we slow down, ignore the phone, turn off the tv, just sit?

It hurts like a bitch, that's what.

It hurts so bad it feels like you'll give yourself a hernia crying it all out or worse; all that chipotle you had for lunch will be staring at you from the inside of a toilet before it's over. Maybe the anger is so big you're afraid those around you will literally notice the hulk-like pallor to your skin and henceforth stop returning your calls. Or the loneliness might actually swallow you up -- you surely won't be missed! But most of all, the fear of those tiny maggots of truth wriggling to the surface is more that once they get there, they'll never go away.

But, here's a happier truth: feelings are bridges.

Just like you need to take the first step to get to the other side, feelings need to be felt to reach their end. And when you get to the end? You move on to the next thing. It's done, it's over, OH THANK GOD. Until you feel it again. But look, the good news is that the more you start allowing yourself to Get To The End of your feelings, the more you'll begin to understand What They're Really About. Go get some more tacos, since you flushed those hours ago. Tell yourself "I love you, self. Even if you have way too many feelings."

And then just keep swimming.

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