Because I don't feel like writing anything profound today, because my friends are funnier than your friends, and because I CAN:
My very talented, very raunchy, very twisted friend Sam wrote this sketch recently for her Second City class. I've had the pleasure of reading a few of her pieces in our writing group and to be honest, though I'm supposed to critique them each time, there isn't much I would change about the way she writes. She is a sick little chick and that is exactly why I love her.
I may also like it because my namesake's character is everything that I aspire to be. Though I'm pretty sure she was cameo-ing under my name. If you want to read more of her effortlessly dry and enlightening humor, visit her here. And if you decide you don't want to associate with me or anyone I know after this, I'll understand. So will she. Enjoy!
ALL HAIL ZEE ZYGOTE
CAST
Katherine – 30’s with a Texan accent
Natalie – 20’s
Molly – 30’s
(Natalie walks into Buy Buy Baby whereKatherine is organizing racks and Molly is behind the counter texting)
KATHERINE
(Peppy and obnoxiously cheery)
Hello there, darlin’. Welcome to Buy Buy Baby. How may my lovely associate and I help you this morning?
NATALIE
(Confusedly looking around)
Uh, hi. So this is ‘Bye Bye Baby’?
KATHERINE
Mhmm, sugar plum.
NATALIE
Oh, well, I heard an advertisement on the radio and it said you guys, you know, ‘take care of babies’ here?
KATHERINE
Why of course, sugar plum. Are you here for yourself or someone else?
NATALIE
Me.
KATHERINE
Oh, well bless a binky!
(Grabbing for Natalie’s stomach)
You are just the tiniest little thing, ‘aint she Molly?
MOLLY
(Not looking up from phone)
The tiniest.
KATHERINE
You are almost as precious as a Precious Moments figurine. Much like my uterus is almost as hard and uninhabitable as a Precious Moments figurine.
(Laughs)
NATALIE
(Nervously)
Oh, um. Thank you? So, anyway, you can help me with this situation, right? I kind of want to just get it all taken care of, you know?
KATHERINE
Absolutely. First of all, my name is Katherine. And this is mycolorful colleague, Molly.
MOLLY
(Not looking up from her phone)
It’s a pleasure.
NATALIE
(Relieved)
Great. I’m Natalie. So do I need to fill out any forms or…?
KATHERINE
Sure, if you want you can fill out this mailing list application.
NATALIE
Oh, I don’t think I’ll be needing that. Hopefully this is just a one time thing.
KATHERINE
They send coupons. Who doesn’t need those?
NATALIE
Coupons??
KATHERINE
I know, ever since those extreme coupon shows, we’ve been sending ‘em out faster than a mommy on a breast pump.
NATALIE
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to judge, but who’d needs coupons for…
(whispers)
…abortions?
KATHERINE
(Gasps)
I beg your pardon.
NATALIE
…Why would you need coupons for abortions?
KATHERINE
Lord have mercy on a onesie! That mouth is pure sin. Why would you come in here and talk such terrible nonsense?
NATALIE
Because this is… And you said… Oh my God. This is not an abortion clinic is it?
KATHERINE
Jesus take the stroller! Of course it’s not! Why on Earth would you think that?
NATALIE
Bye Bye Baby? Like, G-Good Goodbye Baby? …I thought it was a play on words.
KATHERINE
Joseph, Mary, Elmo! It’s spelt B-U-Y Baby! As in purchasing.Retail.
NATALIE
It was on the radio! I didn’t know. Plus it said you guys take care of babies. I thought you meant taaakee caarre of babies.
KATHERINE
Oh my- I can’t even- Molly! Are you hearing this?
MOLLY
(Texting)
Yeah, huh.
KATHERINE
Are you even paying attention??
NATALIE
Listen, I guess I misunderstood. There was some severe miscommunication here so…I’m just gonna-
(Starts backing out to the door)
KATHERINE
You can’t just leave!
NATALIE
Excuse me? Why not?
KATHERINE
Because! I need to protect my baby! I mean, our baby. I mean, your, your baby.
NATALIE
I’m so sorry! I have to go!
MOLLY
(Finally looking up from her phone)
Hey, you might need one of these.
(Molly throws a hanger to Natalie. Natalie catches it and runs out)
KATHERINE
(Crumbling to the ground)
Fetus Jesus! Molly, swaddle me! Binky! Gimme! Ga! Gooo!!
(BLACKOUT)
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