2. If, by the enlisted party's summation you rank weak-iffy (1-3), throw on some deodorant. You are now set to enjoy your day!
3. If you rank iffy-stank (3-7), find your cleanest washcloth and best-smelling shampoo. Lather those pits with Essences of the Herbal sort (or whatever else you have that smells like flowers).
4. Repeat step #2.
5. If you rank stank-severe stank (7-9), enact steps 1-4. Finish with a 20 second continual spray (10 pumps) of your strongest eu de cologne.
6. If, at any point in steps 1-5 hair reaches Critical Washing Point (matted texture and/or "hair-like" smell), fear not. The illusion of clean hair is within reach for:
- Those with bangs: simply shampoo the frontal (most visible) area in sink. Air or blow dry for stunning effect. Can be worn comfortably for up to 2 (two) days.
- Bang-less: Sorry. You're screwed.
- Emergency pit washes -- for shirts that necessitate multiple wears (slash laundry laziness).
- Feet-stank touchups -- for those of the emmenating sort.
- Spot cleaning (clothes) -- for those working with paint/ink/poop/other organic materials.
- Spot cleaning (skin) -- for those working with paint/ink/poop/other organic materials.
9. If at any point during this assessment you are or have become a man, for the love of God get in the shower. I can smell you from here.