Thursday, June 20, 2013

Techniques In Bathing Avoidance or; Assessing Your NSPW (Necessary Showers Per Week):

1. Enlist a friend. If you have not bathed within the last 24 hours, evaluate your level of Stench (1 through 10).
2. If, by the enlisted party's summation you rank weak-iffy (1-3), throw on some deodorant. You are now set to enjoy your day!
3. If you rank iffy-stank (3-7), find your cleanest washcloth and best-smelling shampoo. Lather those pits with Essences of the Herbal sort (or whatever else you have that smells like flowers).
4. Repeat step #2.
5. If you rank stank-severe stank (7-9), enact steps 1-4. Finish with a 20 second continual spray (10 pumps) of your strongest eu de cologne.
6. If, at any point in steps 1-5 hair reaches Critical Washing Point (matted texture and/or "hair-like" smell), fear not. The illusion of clean hair is within reach for:
  • Those with bangs: simply shampoo the frontal (most visible) area in sink. Air or blow dry for stunning effect. Can be worn comfortably for up to 2 (two) days.
  • Bang-less: Sorry. You're screwed.
7. In addition to emergency bang washing, kitchen and/or bathroom sinks and/or dish soap may also be utilized for the following:
  • Emergency pit washes -- for shirts that necessitate multiple wears (slash laundry laziness).
  • Feet-stank touchups -- for those of the emmenating sort.
  • Spot cleaning (clothes) -- for those working with paint/ink/poop/other organic materials.
  • Spot cleaning (skin) -- for those working with paint/ink/poop/other organic materials.
8. If you rank 10, it is time to bathe. Total days between steps 1 and 8. Divide this number under 7. This is your Necessary Showers Per Week (NSPW).
9. If at any point during this assessment you are or have become a man, for the love of God get in the shower. I can smell you from here.

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