Look, Here's The Thing:
As the days get progressively shorter and thus more frigid in temperature (yes -- FRIGID) I have a tendency to take an average of 2-3 hot showers throughout the day (not because I'm a germophobe -- say hello to the girl that rarely washes her hands after peeing. Have I mentioned that antibacterials may be the end of our race and that vaccines are the antichrist? No? WELL JUST BE PATIENT) simply to maintain my mean internal temperature.
So when I reach the point of being cold due to Midwestern living and unmanagable anxiety, you may as well throw a microwave and some ramen in the bathroom because I'm not coming out any time soon. It's like as soon as I step out I'm woozy from the heat so I need a nap, but all that laying down brings me straight back down to freezing, so off to the shower I go. Vicious cycles be damned.
Right now I'm beginning a marathon bathroom tour for several reasons. Unfinished business with Buddy Holly (I guess it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings -- and if I have to play the fat lady I haven't done much singing, just a lot of crying in the shower), where my life is headed, how to block out The Mother vacuuming over my head as I attempt to sleep the day through. I'm also doing everything in my power to avoid working on this commission painting I've had on my plate for oh, a little over a year.
This painting I'm working on is for someone that I love dearly. She recently had her first child, a daughter that is the tiniest, cutest little thing I've ever seen. I like to remind her that someday, this tiny bundle of bodily fluids will have a mind of her own and blame all her problems on her mother. That she will go to prom with a pimply boy that's all hands and no manners. That she will talk back and probably put posters of effeminate boy-men up on her bedroom wall. But I digress.
No matter how much I love this person that I'm doing the work for and want to make her happy with it, it's always been a struggle for me to get myself motivated to actually finish. Painting is the way I get what's inside of me to the surface, so to attempt it in reverse is difficult.
But the fact remains that until I get this painting done I will never move forward. Each day I will be eyeing the new works while struggling with the old, or feeling guilty for not tying up lose ends while working ahead.
So here's the Eureka! moment. Just like this process I'm struggling with, no two people will ever be able to move forward with each other until their own lose ends have been dealt with. I will never be able to change the way I behave until I acknowledge how those behaviors came about. And moving forward is tough when you're forever looking back for the answer. Similarly, I will never be able to deal wholly with what happened in my past while the relationship moves forward without me. It's a balancing act, and a fucking tough one at that.
All I can hope for is that the two really do work hand in hand. That the love we have for each other brings all of us to the table. That the push and pull of self within relationship really does create the best of both.
I can't make myself want to work on this painting. I can't flip it on its head and make it come from the inside out. But I can remember how I feel about her, and hope that that takes me that much closer to the next step within me.