Thursday, November 15, 2012

For Your Health!

This is what my coworkers and I do at work when we get bored. We bust open a few capsules of charcoal, mix it with water, paint it on our teeth with randomly found makeup brushes and hide from customers as we painfully hold our lips away from the black goo mess. And then Laura takes incriminating pictures of me looking like I need a beer, a shotgun and a trailer. SEE, LAURA! I BEAT YOU TO THE EMBRASSING PART -- HA!

You can tell we're really dedicated to giving our customers the most tried-and-tested information. The hardest part is trying to swallow the spit pooling at the back of your throat as you attempt to keep your mouth open and away from wiping it all off your teeth. I guess this is what my ample gums were designed for.

Shit, did I almost forget to explain why I signed up for this horrifying ordeal? For the promise of whiter teeth, of course. Alas, I think the buckets of coffee I consume on a daily basis may just be enough to cancel out each treatment. Maybe it really is time for that IV.

I then thought I should document how my teeth looked post-black hole mouth syndrome. Though as I was taking the photo, I realized it doesn't do much good to see what they look like after when there is no before. I will be a life coach yet. So just admire my amazing red lips.

This is the best shot I could muster, because after the first attempt at a normal smile I went all "you don't know me" at the camera and ended up with a roll of these.

I'll be expecting a call from Victoria's Secret soon. I'm ready for my close-up!



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