Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Hey guys, I'M BACK. And yes, I know I should note my total failure as a NaBloPoMo contributor. I have not kept the streak alive. Though if it were not for my last three days of absence, I probably would have had to wring the following post out like a brain-squeegee, instead of chasing it in earnest as I am now. And honestly, I prefer it this way. So like, SUCK IT, or something.


Today I found my perfect red lip color. Please do not underestimate the power in this statement, as I have spent countless hours and non-tax deductible dollars on this very pursuit. This is what it looks like to find your perfect lip color:

Taking pictures of your hand with an ipad at Starbucks: forever awkward.

And this is a break down of your day when you find your perfect lip color:


Miles driven: 50

Hours consumed: 3

Towns visited: 4

Dollars Spent: Don't ask

Brain Cells Lost: Shut up


Ah, the perils of consumerism. I will say in my defense that a portion of those miles driven were to and from my bi-weekly visit to Crazytown (a.k.a: therapy) and just happened to pass by Sephora en route, prompting the sudden and ALL-CONSUMING NEED to find my perfect shade. Which I did find, but was soul-shatteringly disappointed to find was OUT OF STOCK at this particular store. So onward to Ulta did I travel which, let's face it ladies (and a few of my favorite men), does not cut it all the time, and around and about a good hike further, until VOILA! It was mine. Never you mind that they'd have it back in stock on Thursday at the first location. I simply CAN NOT WAIT for what I didn't know I needed until I discovered its existence. Simply. Voila.


Have you sensed the connection yet? The downward spiral I tripped into after stirring up a bunch of shit I didn't want to look at in Crazytown, followed by what can only be seen as far greater madness in my manic search for Nars Red Square? Can you say "com-pul-sive?"


This is what I meant by "distractions." This is what I do when I'm trying to avoid feeling that which kind of resembles something I'd pull out of my shower drain. I fixate on something totally outside the realm of necessity, something that for a single moment in time I can pretend is the most important part of that moment in time. In that way, I don't have to worry about all the the stuff I was worrying about before: my discomfort with living at home again, the uncertainty of going to Phoenix in January, the status of my relationship and codependency therein. All the things that I know are getting in my way but seem too big to handle right now. For all you compulsive shoppers, drinkers, workers, TV-ers, and a million other -ers that are nothing but a way of turning yourself off from yourself: you know what I'm talking about. Even if you don't.


But look, here's the thing: the difference between today and countless other similar moments I've experienced before I woke up to them is awareness. Awareness is the difference between being asleep and being awake. Awareness is the moment when you stop being a victim of your life and start being your life. Awareness is the choice between unconscious actions and understanding what you're doing and why -- and then maybe doing it anyways or not. With awareness, there is power to do or not to do.


Today I chose to "do." I chose to play with my insecurities and compulsions. I have before and I will again -- probably more times than I'd like to bet my sweet red lips on. But you know what, I KNOW I've got shit. I know I do things that are fucked up. I know I am happier being nicer to myself and my checkbook than filling it with things. And I know I'm working on pulling myself in another direction. What about you?



...erm, I'm aware that that last sentence seems pretty snarky. But like, I'm being serious. What do you do that you know is a total distraction? What is your crux? What is your poison? TALK TO ME, DAMMIT!


So glad to be back. LOVE YA!


  1. This is me talking to you, dammit. (also, because I don't quite understand how to 'follow' someone on here so this just have to be enough proof.)

    Sometimes your posts go a little over my head but this one was very relatable for me. The whole time I was reading it, in my head I was going "Yes...Yes...Yes" to what you're going through. Also, you are brave to talk about in such an open way. I dig.

    Let's hang out, wear thick scarves and sip warm beverages. Seriously. Dood.

  2. This post, the post that I just read, is completely relevant to this point in my life. In the face of a crisis, I created a million different diversions for myself. Just this morning I had a brief and devastating moment where I became aware of all that has happened in the past year of my life. I don't think I really gave myself the opportunity to cope appropriately. Completely related, I should probably officially change my screen name.

  3. Ah Sam you are right. I'm trying to tone down on my "woo-woo" and get a little bit more practical, here. Plus I'll let you try on my ridiculously expensive lipstick for being so awesome

    And Steph, I totally get it. I have those moments where I actually sit down and digest what has been going on around me and I'll be like, "where the fuck was I?" Oh yeah, at the mall. Let's talk more, eh?