Monday, November 26, 2012

I Had A Really Great Title But I Forgot It

Thanksgiving day this year, it rained. Thanksgiving day this year, I ran out in the rain to shut the car window I'd left open earlier. Thanksgiving day I got in, turned the key in the ignition, rolled up the window, and spent some time in the middle distance before hauling ass out the door to protect any semblance of a hairdo I might have to rejoin to the festivities. Without the key.


And that's how Thanksgiving day ruined my following morning, when my car wouldn't start and my stepfather had to let me take his to work while he spent the day jumping a severely dead battery. And apparently Karen O. is still pissed at me for it, and is passive aggressively refusing to make her radio work. I am currently a Silent Driver. First World Problems.


All the silent driving to and from work has given me a little more brain space to think (though many would argue that I don't need it seeing as it drives me farther and farther into the maze of my cranium). When I'm not (somewhat manically) singing One Direction (because that's what would normally be playing) in my head or out loud on these rides, I'm usually (somewhat compulsively) stringing together sentences for blog posts.


(BY THE WAY...every time I get to that part where they sing "tonight let's get some" I inadvertently picture my 12-year old cousin singing these lyrics to her posters of the effeminate singers in her bedroom and cringe. WHAT HAVE WE DONE??)


Today on my way home in the crushing silence I was thinking about how drastically the look and feel of my life has changed in the last few years. Back when I was emerging from my depressio-coma, I (also somewhat compulsively) adhered to a fairly strict schedule of my own implementation. It looked kind of like this:


At that point I really needed it to give myself something to hold onto when there was so much I was working through. As I became more comfortable with myself and started expanding my wants and desires, it started shifting in and out of organization. The more I let myself become interested in different things, people and experiences the wavier it got. Fast forward to now, where it tends to look like this:

I think I need to chill out a little bit. The extreme shift reminds me a hell of a lot of this picture my therapist draws for me over and over again when I'm getting all WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME:

The gist of it is this: whenever we enter into a period of change or consciousness of ourselves, there is a tendency to swing all the way in the opposite direction of where we had thus far been operating. And then there's the backswing, when you return to the other side. This continues back and forth and back and forth until some sort of equilibrium has been reached. It's like a life-and-behavior teeter-totter.


I've been on this ride a few times, with many different catalysts. And there are a few that I'm still waiting on reaching center with. I guess this is just one more to add to the list.


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